Picture Perfect
Added 8.4.08
I never have been comfortable having my picture taken. I have cute childhood pictures, of course, but there are very few pictures of my adolescence. I allowed my mother to take a few during middle school - first day of school, birthdays, things like that. In high school, I was lucky enough that my group of friends weren’t big picture takers. Pictures of me started to reappear in the last years of college, but even those are rare. I usually ducked off to the side, hid behind someone, or (when I finally got clever about it) took the picture. Being the designated photographer allowed me to be involved with the picture without actually being in the picture. Perfect.
My problem with taking pictures rested in the fact that I didn’t was there to be psychical proof of me looking like “this”. Whatever “this” happened to be at the time. I always figured I would start taking pictures when I was thinner, prettier, got a better wardrobe, had better skin, wasn’t drunk, wasn’t tired, and so on and so on. On the rare occasion I allowed a picture to be taken of me, I was brutal with the ‘delete’ button (thank you, digital cameras!). Even a single hair out of place would prompt me to delete the picture, taking that memory with it.
And therein lies the problem. In my desperate attempt to control how I was remembered (by myself and others), I actually erased myself from memory! Looking through pictures is usually disappointing:
“I know I was at that party, why aren’t I in that picture?”
“I ran that event! Where am I?!?”
“Are you sure you were there? I think you were gone that weekend…”
Looking at the few pictures that exist, it’s so interesting to see how I’ve changed over the years. It doesn’t matter to me now if I looked beautiful or terrible - I just love seeing another part of my life. Proof that I was there and did that; dated him and was friends with her; went to that event and danced at that party.
My little sisters have always loved having their picture taken, even as toddlers. When they were screaming and crying, if you pulled out a camera, they immediately began to beam. It was uncanny. Today they’re entering their sophomore year in college and there are hundreds of pictures of them on Facebook. Some of them are great - some not so much. But I envy the detailed archives of their life - not a minute or moment has been lost. They know what I have always lacked: one picture doesn’t define you. Looking bad or great in one instant doesn’t mean you always look bad or great. I don’t know that my frail ego could have dealt with some of the snarly pics that could have emerged in high school and college, but it doesn’t bother them. I’m amazed at their self confidence.
It’s only been in the past two years that I’ve allowed pictures to be taken of me - and I’m still strict with the delete button. But I’ve learned that you actually have to take pictures to get a great picture - and you just might get some bad ones along the way. I love having proof of where I’ve been, and I’m always looking better than I remembered. I just want to see myself as I was - having fun in an imperfect world with an imperfect me.
Me at age 16
i can total relate - i hate having my picture taken. although i have gotten better. i think its all in accepting who we are and being happy with ourselves. i’m finally learning that after years of struggle with my weight. i’m at a happy place now where i dont want to lose weight to look good… i want to lose weight to lead a healthy long life.
i totally know what you mean. throughout all of college i think i had a handful of pictures, and only because they were action pictures others took and i didn’t know they were being taken.
but i’m just like you with the delete button; though lately i’ve been less of a “delete-r” than i used to be. ;P
we can do it! we need memories of all the good times WE take place in…and i think no matter what we look like, the picture has a thousand other words to say, other than something negative that we might think! so yay for pictures!
Wow…just came across your blog today as I have been reading several “healthy” food blogs. I read your “about me” section and I thought I know that girl!!! Be impressed with yourself for taking control at your age…It has taken me almost 20 years more than your current age. I wish that I would have figured “this” out along time ago. It is odd when you look back and see how much of your life was consumed with negative thoughts that related to your weight and then finding food as the comfort for those unhappy times. I will be keeping up with your progress. I have recently shed 16 pounds and before the end of this year I plan to be at least 20 pounds lighter. I am encouraged by the food blogs I have been reading and have always loved to cook and create healthy foods and I have also challenged myself to be consistent with my workouts…I have wasted too much time with this!!! Good luck to you and enjoy reading your story…and yea, I hate my pictures too!!!